Saturday Mornings on the LSAT pill

As I type this, sixteen Princeton Review students sit before me, brows furrowed over their practice LSAT tests. I signed up to do this because I had one of my frequent panic attacks about my short money supply. At least the room has internet access. These students will probably complain to my boss about me and my lack of proper proctor decorum. LSAT students tend to complain a lot.

So these are the future lawyers of America or so we at the Princeton Review have promised them. But then, let's be realistic: some of these students don't stand a chance. Either the LSAT will get them, or they'll be found lacking under close scrutiny by admissions officials. Which one of you will make it, and how far will you go in your law careers?

How about you, Mr. Shakey? Your habit of leg-flapping while reading is a bit off-putting. It makes you look like an overzealous Thigh Master enthusiast. Are you trying to lose some of your considerable weight, or do you just have to go to the bathroom? Yeah, you look pretty hot, sweating in your ill-fitting wool sweater. Go ahead and take it off if you're too warm. But let me ask you this, "How are you ever going to make a convincing closing argument if you can't take the heat?"!!

And what about you, Mr. Backwards baseball cap and hooded sweatshirt? Law school isn't going to be the beer-chugging party you so enjoy now. I called time's up thirty seconds ago, yet you continue to mark your answer sheet, pencil clasped between your meaty fingers. Are you going to take cribs sheets with you into the bar exam?

Oho! And what do we have here, Miss Pretty thing in the back row? Going to play Ally McBeal when you grow up? I've got some bad news for you, Princess: most real lawyers' lips don't move while they're reading.

At least it's the LSAT. If it were the MCAT I were proctoring, I'd really be worried.