McCarthy Should've Nailed Flipper to the Wall

Everyone knows China is going to be the next superpower. They're making all the money, they're building up an immunity to lead ... Now, they're the only ones who can deflect pirate attacks. And they do it with their newest military force: dolphins.

Apparently, Somali pirates were about to attack a Chinese vessel when a pod of dolphins frolicked so mightily that it scared off the would-be attackers.

My favorite quote comes from the Chinese press:

Chinese news agency Xinhua claimed the pirates 'could only lament their littleness before the vast number of dolphins'.

Can you blame them? Just look at the scary bastards!



Good Lord, what happens when they turn that awesome sea-might against us?

Fuck the beach. This summer, I'm staying indoors, turning out the lights and padlocking every toilet seat closed. I'll launch volleys of helium-filled balloons with patriotic slogans such as, "CHOKE ON DEMOCRACY!" or, "DON'T DOUBLE-BACKFLIP TO TAILWALK ON ME!"

I'll also be learning Mandarin, Cantonese and Squeak-clicking just in case my plan fails. I suggest you all do the same.