Staring at yourself in the mirror might make your crotch hurt

Let me explain...

One day, while I was still in San Diego, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror of my closet door. I can't explain why, but at that moment, I was struck by the sheer asianness of my face.
Hey, Bruce Lee! Do a karate chop!
I did. It was impressive.
Hey, Jackie Chan! Do a high kick!
That was a mistake. Thinking myself more spry than I actually was, I aimed a kick at where I thought my invisible opponent's head might be and immediately tore my inner thigh muscle. That was a long time ago (over a year at this point), and it hasn't been the same since.

My gymnastics instructor gave me some advice on rehabilitating it some months back. I was originally too embarrassed to ask her about it outright, but she got the idea when I kept rubbing my groin, grimacing, and looking at her hopefully during stretches. She thought it'd be a good idea to build up the muscle that had been damaged - the ideal means for this being the Lever Seated Hip Adduction (a.k.a. the glorified Thigh Master machine girls are always using at the gym).

I tried it out the other day, and I was really good at it. Whoever had used it before me must've been way weak, because I slapped forty more pounds to the stack and still pounded out an insane number of reps.

Now, as I lay dying, ice packs strapped around my legs like misplaced floaties, my final wish is for Suzanne Somers' head on a platter. I'll hollow it out, fill it with Advil and make it into my own super, collector's edition Pez dispenser.

Hey, Chow Yun-Fat! What the hell is wrong with you?!!