Thursday, April 16, 2009

McCarthy Should've Nailed Flipper to the Wall

Everyone knows China is going to be the next superpower. They're making all the money, they're building up an immunity to lead ... Now, they're the only ones who can deflect pirate attacks. And they do it with their newest military force: dolphins.

Apparently, Somali pirates were about to attack a Chinese vessel when a pod of dolphins frolicked so mightily that it scared off the would-be attackers.

My favorite quote comes from the Chinese press:
Chinese news agency Xinhua claimed the pirates 'could only lament their littleness before the vast number of dolphins'.
Can you blame them? Just look at the scary bastards!



Good Lord, what happens when they turn that awesome sea-might against us?

Fuck the beach. This summer, I'm staying indoors, turning out the lights and padlocking every toilet seat closed. I'll launch volleys of helium-filled balloons with patriotic slogans such as, "CHOKE ON DEMOCRACY!" or, "DON'T DOUBLE-BACKFLIP TO TAILWALK ON ME!"

I'll also be learning Mandarin, Cantonese and Squeak-clicking just in case my plan fails. I suggest you all do the same.

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Friday, August 29, 2008

McCain picks Hargitay for Veep

GOP hopeful promises to bring Law and Order to nation

In a surprise announcement, Senator John McCain announced today that he has chosen television celebrity Mariska Hargitay to be his running mate.

Hargitay is best known for her tough stance on crimes which are considered to be especially heinous. McCain said that he welcomed Hargitay's record and extensive experience seeking justice as an actress.

“I’ve looked for the best to help me shake up Washington,” said McCain. "No longer will pages and interns have to live in fear of the perverted old white guys who want to instant message and touch them."

McCain's decision marks only the second time in history that a woman has been submitted for nomination as a vice presidential candidate.

It's also the second time in this election campaign that a character from one of NBC's Law and Order many television series has been considered for executive office. Fred Thompson dropped out of the race to be the Republican presidential nominee after it became clear he could never win, because most Americans thought he was even less attractive than Vincent D'Onofrio.

Political pundits are lauding McCain for choosing a female running mate and are speculating that his recent meetings with rapper Ice-T may indicate he will ask the prominent African American to help him create the position of Secretary of Money, Power, Women.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Home Sweet Home

This needs explaining.

First, the top line reads "Jediyah" if you don't know how to read Korean. Second, "Eemo" means aunt-on-the-maternal-side. Third, I had plenty of reason to worry.

One of the great stories in my family history is that my mother once found that a pot of her soup had gone bad. She had been heating it up to serve to my father and me, when she noticed rice floating in the broth. That was strange, because she hadn't put any rice in the soup yet. But it turned out to be ok, because it wasn't rice, it was maggots.

But it was already heating, and I was running late for school. So she scooped out the squirmy little fuckers and gave the soup an extra long boil. And then she watched me eat.

She served another bowl to my father after I left, but a crisis of conscience made her confess everything to him. He disgustedly dumped his bowl into the sink, and they never spoke of it to each other again.

I didn't find out about it until years later, when my sister gleefully told me the secret ingredient in my mother's special soup.

So when I saw this note the other day, I took a couple of minutes to decide just how hungry I really was.

It was delicious.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Hard at Work

I was the executive producer for our class project on the New York Marathon. Check it out. You can also read and listen to some of my other pieces.

The Urban Storyteller

Friday, September 21, 2007

Headline contest

Sorry about this. I promised I'd treat my story like a blog entry in the hopes that it'd make the process smoother. Didn't work exactly. Still gonna post it. We don't have to come up with headlines. In fact, we're discouraged from it. Any suggestions?
BTW, this hasn't been edited by anyone other than me, and I'm tired as hell, so keep your snarky comments to yourself. I'd love to go to sleep, but I have to do my readings for tomorrow's law class.
At some point, I might start putting my radio pieces up, because one thing every good journalist needs is an over-developed ego.
If you do have criticisms, I would like to hear them. Just email me them. I prefer to take my abuse in private. M knows that.



Kerok Vazquez never got into baseball cards. Stamps and comic books don’t excite him either.

For him, it’s all about sneakers, and when he finds a pair that matches his finely-tuned sense of style, he gets enough to last.

“I normally buy two,” Vazquez said, “one to rock; one to stock.”

Sometimes he’ll buy three. Once, five.

Vazquez, 21, belongs to a subculture whose members refer to themselves as sneakerheads. Sneakerheads amass limited-release, designer sneakers. Many sell the shoes for large profits; Vazquez savors his the way a wine connoisseur cherishes a rare Bordeaux.

Vazquez’s cellar is his closet, where he estimates he has stocked around 200 pairs of sneakers, all categorized by color and style. He said he pastes pictures of the shoes on the outsides of the boxes so he can quickly locate the pair he’s looking for.

The closet is reserved for shoes that he only wears on special occasions. Those shoes either hold sentimental value or are worth more money than he originally paid. He estimates one pair, incredibly rare Nike sneakers with a pigeon stitched on them, is worth $2,500. He doesn’t plan to sell them, but he can’t bring himself to wear them, because they’re too valuable.

Other sneakers have a set number of times he’ll wear them.

“The sneakers may be ill, but you know you can’t wear those more than like three, four times,” Vazquez said, “because once it gets creased, it just doesn’t look the same.”

He isn’t hurting for sneakers he can wear.

“I have like 45 pairs that I put in rotation,” Vazquez said.

That rotation is tightly regulated. On Wednesday, he wore a red baseball cap and light blue shirt – both colors were on his Air Jordans. His pants, slightly off-white, were the exact shade found on the sneakers.

Vazquez’s obsession with collecting sneakers wasn’t a conscious decision.

“It pretty much just happened,” Vazquez said. “You just keep stocking and stocking, and you just realize, ‘I got a lot of sneakers.’ But it’s not like you really want to stop.”

Vazquez doesn’t plan to stop. In fact, he recently opened a store in his native Williamsburg, where he sells the designer sneakers he loves so much.

He got the capital to open his business from savings he collected while working as a dental assistant. The business is successful enough that he can continue to support his shoe habit.

The business is also beneficial, because it gives him access to shoes at cost. He no longer has to spend $120 to $300 on a pair. Still, Vazquez said it isn’t uncommon for him to spend up to $2000 on shoes in a month.

Most credit for the sneakerhead phenomenon is given to Nike. Their Air Jordan basketball shoes have consistently made fans line up at stores on release dates.

Nike created new fervor by making limited edition sneakers. With Dunks, colorful lines of sneakers that usually adhere to a theme, Nike appealed to consumers eager to display their individuality on their feet. Comic book aficionados salivated over shoes based on Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk.

The craze for these shoes meant big profits for early opportunists who bought up many pairs of the shoes and sold them for higher prices on eBay. Nike’s Pigeon Dunks, the prize of Vazquez’s collection, command a huge price, because only 150 pairs were made.

Nevett Steele owns a skate shop on North 11th Street in Williamsburg, and he said that he instituted a policy limiting sales to one pair per customer in order to curb the opportunists.

“That’s how they pay their rent,” said Steele. “People were making more money hustling sneakers than hustling drugs. And it was legal.”

Even though companies such as Nike don’t get any part of the higher resale prices, they capitalize on the buzz such prices create.

Ion Bogdan Vasi is an assistant professor at Columbia University’s School of International and Public Affairs. He teaches a course on the sociology of consumerism, and he said sneaker companies have attained something rare.

“Creating this emotional attachment,” said Vasi, “it’s the holy grail of advertisements – creating a sort of irrational emotional attachment to the product.”

But just because the attachment is irrational doesn’t mean it isn’t valuable.

“…if you have one or more sneakers that are highly sought after by other people,” Vasi said, “then you’re obviously in a different social group, a different category. You create distinction, you create status, you are distinguishing yourself from the other people.”

Vazquez said he doesn’t collect sneakers to make money. Nor does he do it for the sake of collecting. He judges every shoe on its own merit. Plenty of shoes don’t make the cut, but plenty do.

“You can’t neglect a good pair of sneakers,” Vazquez said. “If it’s good…you got to have them.”

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Swell

I'm tired.

It's the combination of nonstop schoolwork, 4 hours of sleep and Benadryl. 50 mg. Tomorrow is my first reporting day of the week. Since I stayed up till 4 a.m. filing a story...I just lost my train of thought...

The pills were expired by a couple of months. They haven't done anything to reduce the swelling. What did I eat that was so weird? There was that care package, but I only ate one dried lychee, and that was last night. How long does it take for food allergies to kick in? I think the pills're probably still good, because I keep ending up with my mouth open and my eyes rolled back as I try to stare at the television.

I just remembered where I was going before when I lost my train of thought. I'm sleeping all day tomorrow.

It's obvious that journalism school has improved my writing.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Yes, that is my copy of Cats. No, I really do like chicks.

The girlfreund took a huge step in making our current hovel into a home by creating two funky and amazing bookshelves out of wood and plastic cups. I was skeptical when she explained her vision to me - it sounded less Vern and more Hilde - but they look quite spectacular. Pictures to come later. Add this to her insane quilt project and the super cool wall of faces that makes hipsters everywhere drool, and you have quite the little creative genius. If there's ever a reality tv show about having the most schizophrenic list of talents, I'm signing her up.

Anyway, I liked the bookshelves so much that I immediately took them over to hold my CDs and DVDs. Instead of studying, I spent the entire evening alphabetizing and displaying my entire music collection. I haven't been able to do this for years, because I've never had the space for it. The experience brought me back to high school, when the rest of my bedroom was a cesspool but I'd obsessively catalog each of my albums in a state that was almost meditative. I have many favorite scenes from "High Fidelity", but I identify most with the scene where the protagonist is surrounded by rows upon rows of his records which he is reorganizing into the order that he got them. I don't have nearly as many albums (my collection tops out at around 300), but I bet I could do it. The first CD I ever bought was the Beatles Past Masters Vol II. Then came Clapton Unplugged...

If you have a significant collection and haven't bothered to organize it in awhile, I can't recommend it enough. Take all of your CDs out of that humongous CaseLogic binder you bought to save space and stick them back in their original cases (you know you kept them for just this reason). While you're at it, put your portable cd player on the floor next to you. You'll listen to discs you've forgotten all about even though the teenage you listened to them over and over again while lying in your bed, agonizing over why it is girls don't get you.

I discovered that I own a Tori Amos CD. Awesome. I'm gonna listen to it tomorrow. Cats, though? That's fucked up.