Conversation of the Week

Alice: What are you guys doing for the fourth?

Jed: What day is it this year?

Alice: Ummm...the fifth?

Megan: (Pointing) Ha ha!

New plan

Having failed in my attempts last night, I've decided to spend the day emulating a dog. I defy anyone to come up with a better idea than spending the longest day trying to lick your own crotch.

Wiccan out

It's the first day of summer - also the longest day of the year. So why's it so dark out? If tomorrow (technically today) is the longest day, then does that make tonight the shortest night? Or is that tomorrow night? Which should I celebrate - day or night? Day signifies youth, life, liveliness, intensity, industry. Night, for me, has always been a time for quiet introspection watching Conan O'Brien and eating anything I can get my hands on. I wish I loved the day instead of the night.

I guess it's settled then - I celebrate the shortest night of the year. And I think I know how. Earlier, I watched Megan fall gently asleep. Now I'm going to stare at her until she wakes up.

Tonight I learn how to live as a cat. I will spend every dark minute alerted to even the smallest mouse's breath. I will learn how to see in the dark and how to steal souls from the sleeping. And if I should fail at any of these attempts, if she or I should awake in the morning, who could fault me? It is after all, a very short night.

Batman Begins Review - SPOILERS!!!

If you haven't seen the movie yet, maybe you should reconsider reading this post. However, I feel that my judgements of the movie are generally helpful and could aid in your enjoyment of the movie.

I have just a couple of things to discuss concerning Batman Begins. First of all:

Why did they decide to let Bruce Wayne's parents live?
Batman just doesn't have the same impact if he's living at home with his parents. And what reason does he have to fight crime in the first place? That whole "Gotham needs you, son" schtick was too cheesey. Too much Uncle Ben and not enough dying.


Since when is the Joker a chick?
This just blows my mind! I'm not saying that women aren't convincing as nemeses and supervillains; Halle Berry was the ultimate incarnation of evil as Catwoman. It's just that the Joker works best as a male character. He's a twisted version of Batman, not an opposite. I don't know. Maybe I'll change my mind after she puts on the Joker makeup.


And finally...

Wasn't Katie Holmes's character so nice and refreshing?
Maybe a little too cheerful and spunky. I kinda wish they had portrayed her as more of an annoying, preachy, bitchy type. Oh well. With her overflowing Joie de Vivre it's easy to see how she can make Tom Cruise so crazy with love.

Parking War (parental advisory)

For those of you who don't know, I have been in heated battle with the UCSD parking office. This battle consists of them fining me exorbitant prices ($341 in less than two months) and me paying them and suffering aneurysms every day. The parking situation here is atrocious - there aren't any free parking spaces that don't require a half-hour walk. There are far more parking lots and spaces than could possibly be filled, yet they still severely punish those who buck convention by forging passes to park in those vast, empty wastelands.

Apparently, the only way to appease the parking dictatorship dickheadcocksuckingmotherrimmingassholedictatorshipFUCKFUCKFUCK SHITBITCHESSONSOFWHOREMOTHERFUCK is to have 70+ dollars removed from my monthly pay so that I can receive a staff parking pass. I have chosen not to go this route since I only work part-time, and that fee would not only strain my limited budget but also, in my mind, be tantamount to moral suicide. Not to mention that the fucking fuck-fucks already took more from me than a yearly parking pass would have fucking cost! FUCK! They do offer (and this is admittedly my fault for not having taken advantage of it) a free shuttle that you can take from off campus to your place of work. HOWEVER, I called the parking office yesterday and found that the shuttle doesn't run when class isn't in session nor does it operate during summer session. According to the lady I spoke to, it isn't viable for the university to run the shuttles when so few people would use them. Here is a brief, verbatim portion of our conversation:

Me: So, you're saying the only way for someone to get to campus right now would be to drive and pay for parking?

Her: Yes...blah blah blah

I pose this question for my law-student friend, Frank and also for anyone who wants to add anything, "Is this an actionable offense?". Could someone sue to have them either reinstate the shuttle or provide free parking? Here's another, "Does anyone know how to break open parking meters and remove $341 in coins from them?".

Oh yeah and

I forgot the password to my meatsweats email account on Yahoo. Go ahead and send all the hate mail you want. Maybe someday I'll remember and be treated to a nice surprise.

Jesus Christ

I deleted a post. It went something like this:
I'm pretty drunk right now. Jealous?

This was what I wrote after an unfortunate (what could have befuddled me?) back click on my browser deleted my previous longer and more entertaining (I think) post. Not wanting to try again (just wanting to sleep), I left a shorter, lamer post. The next day, I saw what I wrote and decided that it was crap and deleted it. This is my blog and I can do whatever I want with it. Just because I write something and publish it doesn't mean that it's going to stay that way. Do you realize how many times I republish my posts before I'm satisfied with them? Probably not, because no one is more obsessive over my blog than I. Besides, I don't mean for this blog to be a step-by-step account of what is happening in my life. I think that with my boring life that would make for a horrible blog. Otherwise I'd have already written that when I use the bathroom at work I usually use the women's so that my trumpeting farts thoroughly confuse and disgust the timid, gay lab tech who works next door. Or that at say 6:09 pm this evening, I happened across a magical pixie who offered to make me tall, handsome and successful and who I promptly fed piece-by-piece to the neighbor's scary cat. My life just isn't that interesting. Or so I thought...

After deleting that post, I have received literally thousands of messages from people calling foul on my actions. I stand by my previous assertion that this is my forum and I make the decisions around here. Also, not being able to afford legal representation and being too lazy to issue retractions, I'd rather just selectively edit here and there.

However, as a display of my benevolence, I will now re-edit my aforementioned post to make it more palatable to me and maybe others:

I'm pretty drunk right now. Jealous, bitches?

Muuuuch better!


To those readers paying close attention, yes, I did delete some comments from even this entry. I just felt it was probably unwise to voice my support for the wifebeating sect of the white supremacist movement so early in my political career.

Daily, Weekly, Yearly, Lifely Pick-Me-Up

Hello my friend. Are you feeling down because you're life hasn't become what you thought it would. Do you feel disappointed by the less-than-glamorous evenings you spend watching syndicated television shows? We here at Meat Sweats would like to stroke your ego a bit. Sure, you may not be Hollywood's brightest new star, you aren't out saving the rainforests or the whales, but at least you aren't one of the biggest dorks in the universe.

Rj, go nuts

The Office

We've been watching my brand new copy of "The Office" on dvd. Thanks to Alice and Kevin for that (that was difficult to type). Hard to stop watching it, but then again it's pretty hard to watch it at times. Can't seem to turn away no matter how bad things are getting. You know, like a gruesome accident on the highway or, as observed today, a g-string visibly creeping up above a scary-looking woman's waistband. If I had to pick a favorite character other than Tim, I'd probably go with Keith. There's something special about that guy.

This is a crap post, but that's ok. I'll just block any comments from this one. Eat that Rj.

Year 25 - an update

Is it possible to have an old-life crisis? Looking at my reflection through my brand new set of glasses (necessary to correct a "pretty serious" stigmatism), I saw well enough to pick out the long white hair resting on top of my head. The little guy didn't even have the strength to stay in my scalp; he was just lying there on top of his bushy, peppered bed gasping his last. I had a Jamba Juice for lunch and am now worrying about the irregularity it always inspires in me. Tonight I feel like going to the ballgame and shaking my fist at the young pitchers upon whom fortune has smiled while she has only given me a disinterested sniff. I'd better go home and take some vitamins so my immune system won't be compromised by overpriced, generic beer.


And now, the happy version...


Ah, life in San Diego is very fine. I picked up my new glasses today, and I must say that I look pretty sweeeeeet. Also, these things are catching all sorts of colors that I've been missing for years. When I examined a white hair that I found while gazing upon my beauty, I saw that it wasn't really white but more like the milky color found in aging ivory. I had Jamba Juice for lunch - Mmmm yummy! I'm all set with my vitamin C thanks to that Mango-A-Go-Go. Tonight, my sister and Kevin are coming down to spend a couple days with us revelling in the born-again Cubs. I'm gonna eat some hotdogs and drink some beer tonight!


And finally, the too happy version...


BEER!!! CUBS!!! GLASSES!!! JUUUUUUUIIIICCE!!!!!!

Misheard lyric

My favorite misheard lyric of all time comes from the Ramones' I Wanna Be Sedated. The lyrics go:

Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba
I wanna be sedated

I always thought they were:

Damn-damn-damn-damn Da-damn-damn-damn-damn
I want a piece of Larry

Usually, I'm ashamed when I mistake lyrics and sing them incorrectly for years. I don't really mind about this one though.

What time is it?

It's June, muthafuckas!