Technology is cool

This post was made and published on my super-fancy SONY PSP. It only took me 20 minutes.

The Apprentice is gonna get his knees broke

I didn't watch the Apprentice finale last night, because I was too busy watching Spike TV's Most Extreme Eliminations. I stand by my decision; MXC is completely transparent and unapologetic regarding its juvenile appeal, whereas The Apprentice denies it and still claims to be the "toughest job interview in America". Tough? Try crossing a rickety rope bridge while sadistic Japanese men rocket volleyballs into your crotch.

I will say that I am not surprised that Rebecca wasn't selected. I am, however, very disappointed. After all, I may be the lucky charm that got her so far in the contest. I had stated in a previous post that if she won the competition I would start charging future contestants $20,000 to throw shitty alcohol into my eyes: something she once did to start her on the path to television stardom. Twenty grand isn't that much when you consider the full value of actually winning. You'd keep ninety percent of the cash, and you'd still get to make all those VH1 appearances as an expert on the "Best Week/Year/Era Ever".

We (I'm including Ms. Jarvis in the "we") came so close to our dreams! Trump was ready to make her one of the Apprenti and me , by extension, stinking rich! But Randal, Randal, you bastard. You slammed the door on that golden wonderland, and now I have to come in to work next week. I hope you enjoy your time in the sunshine, buddy. Just remember all those little people who's dreams you trod upon on your way to success. Some of those little people got blue belts in Hapkido once and know five different ways to break a knee. That or I could hurtle a volleyball into your crotch.

Stolen brainteaser

I like brainteasers. That doesn't really mean that I'm good at them; I just like them. Thus, I was happy to discover that Cartalk, that lovely car-advice show on public radio, has archives of all the weekly brainteasers they give on the air. Here's one that I didn't get but that I think Neil or Rj will enjoy. Actually, only Neil will probably appreciate it. Rj's too impatient.

Cartalk Puzzler

I added Connie to my list of Reservoir Blogs, because she has a damn funny one, and I'm tired of having to click through multiple links just to read it.

Oh, I should probably post the answer link to the puzzler. I won't make you wait a week like they do.

Puzzler Answer

Let's see...what else is new? I got to run one of the shows at my internship at World Talk Radio this week. If you go to the website (www.worldtalkradio.com) and search for Monday's Dave DePew's Fitness and Nutrition Hour, you can hear all the mistakes I made. You can also learn about protein supplements from three humongous guys.

Pre-New Year's Resolutions

Don't give up on this year just because a new one is about to start! You still have lots to do: holiday shopping, baking, sending cards, making figgy pudding... In fact, I have way more stuff I need to do now than I will over all of next year.

Here are the things I need to do before the 1st:

1. Buy presents
2. Redo resume
3. Apply to those jobs whose deadlines are in December
4. Actually learn how to use ProTools so that new job won't know I was lying on my resume
5. Finish travel arrangements
6. Buy warm clothes
7. Buy fancy clothes for the eve
8. Learn how to dance
9. Write grad school essays
10. Go to Toledo
11. Go to Chicago

Whoo! That's a lot to take on for a guy who's used to only working 20 hours a week. Here's what I have to do over all of next year:

1. Get into grad school
2. Get internships
3. Lose weight

New Year's resolutions are for bitches.

Jake takes way too long to do dishes

But he's good for cluing me in to more stories I wish I'd done.

By the way, what's the proper etiquette for adding a link to someone else's blog? Do you have to ask permission?

Stories I'd like to do if I were actually a real journalist

Yesterday, air marshals shot and killed a man in a Miami airport. It's all over the news with details on the circumstances around the shooting, the mental state of the killed, and the appropriateness of the air marshals' response. I couldn't handle covering the main story: it would involve flying down to Miami and standing around the airport for hours -- ugh!! Besides, everyone's already done it for me.

The story I would do would be on something I only heard them talk about once last night on public radio: all luggage was removed from the plane and checked by dogs that identified three packages as suspicious. These three packages were then exploded. Since the killed man was not actually a terrorist but merely mentally disturbed, then those packages were probably filled not with deadly materials but rather with more mundane things.

Now there's a story! Talking to the owners of the deceased luggage and asking what it's like to have your belongings blown up by the authorities would be very enlightening. Do they know why their suitcases were selected as explosion-worthy? How did they wrap these packages? What was actually in them? Were the owners compensated for their smoldering undies? Think of the paranoid packing jobs they will do for future trips! I bet everything they pack from now on will be in their carry-ons and not worth more than fifty bucks. Did they get to keep the ashes? Did they get to see it being removed and detonated? Do they resent dogs now?

These are the things I'd want to know about. If I were a go-getter, I might consider trying to do this story. As it is, I'll probably just sit on my ass and lament when I find out some This American Life regular has done it. Damn it.

Media track and field day

Today I'm going to discuss all things media-related.

First up: Music. Namely, Neil Diamond. The radio stations around here have been playing a track from Neil Diamond's new album. This is odd, because I consider the stations that I patronize to be hip and cool and not the types to play Neil Diamond songs (although, I do enjoy a rousing bout of "Sweet Caroline" come karaoke time). Their justification for playing it is that Diamond's newest album was produced by Rick Rubin, the brilliant mind behind many great works ranging from the Beastie Boys' Licensed to Ill to Johnny Cash's award-winning final series of albums. In fact, Rubin's success with Johnny Cash may be the reason he did Twelve Songs with Neil Diamond. The same formula's there: aged has-been performer, gruff yet melodic voice, surname denoting monetary value. Sounds like he might have another Grammy winner!

Except that I can't make myself be impressed with this song. They adhered pretty strictly to the Rubin/Cash formula and even tried to steal some of Cash's dark personality, but it doesn't work. Unlike Cash who sounded tired and truly broken on Hurt, Diamond still sounds pretty much the same as he always has. To hear him croon "Hell Yeah!" (the song's title, by the way) over and over again makes him sound less like a weathered, hardened old songmaster and more like Neil Diamond doing an impression of Will Ferrell doing an impression of Neil Diamond. If anything, this song will serve to make those SNL sketches that much better.

Next up: Television. Namely, "Firefly". After "Serenity" turned out to be an entertaining film, we decided to borrow the series it was based on from Netflix. Now we're hooked. I've been wondering why I never watched "Firefly" while it was on television, but now I remember that it's probably because I so relished mocking "Buffy" fans. Now my life has shifted from making fun of Joss Whedon to wishing every day that I could be him. CURSE YOU GODS OF IRONY!!!

Next up: Movies. Namely, "Brokeback Mountain". I don't really have much to say about this other than that I hope to God there's a scene where they eat pudding. Let's see how many of you get that reference.

Finally: Books. Ah, who am I kidding? I don't read no books.

Been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely tiiime

You can always tell when I have blog-neglect guilt. It's when I just post some little thing. Ah well...