Gonna be a long two years or I should function on rage-a-hol

I already miss the Olympics. If I could enjoy curling for two hours, then obviously, I'll be hurting without my fix of all the glory that are the Olympic Games. Well, maybe I won't miss everything about the Olympics. I've ranted for the past ten years about NBC's abyssmal coverage of the games. Other countries provide live coverage over multiple networks, but over here, we just have to have our shows. Did you enjoy Nascar last weekend? Did you? I hate you.

Also, there's the whole Apollo Anton Ohno thing. In the past, I've had a hate/hate relationship with Mr. Shitty-Soul-Patch-Judges-Always-Love-Me. Now, I have kind of a begrudging appreciation of him - not because he won gold, mind you, but because without him, I never would've seen Korea win 6 of 8 golds in short track. The American cameras love him, so I'll put up with him. He can have his one gold (that other one doesn't count).

Ok, so thank you Mr. Stupidname -- because of you, short track was a major feature in these past olympics. HOWEVER!! (And I understand this is by no means the fault of El Shitpatch) In the most exciting event of the games, the men's short track relay (I may be a little biased), NBC opted to focus on the Americans for the entire race. They were competing for the bronze medal for almost the entire time. BRONZE!!! The race for first was far from boring. There were multiple lead changes between the Koreans and Canadians, with the Koreans coming out on top (how could not with Ahn anchoring the team?). We did get to see them cross the finish, but only for that split-second and only after it was clear Ohno would place third. You can see it all here. Be warned though -- you might end up like me, screaming -- SCREAMING at the screen.

I'm going to Vancouver for the next Winter Olympics, and I'm going to carry a big "FUCK NBC!" poster and run around alongside the skaters. I will be the reason coverage of the olympics will not be broadcasted live but with a seven-second delay. I will be cackling.

Oh, and if any weirdos feel like posting a comment in defence of Apollo, just remember that his fanbase consists primarily of preadolescent girls. Are you a little girl?



Sorry about the cussin', Mom.

The real reason I haven't switched over to Gmail

Does anyone else have a crush on this lady?


Every time her picture pops up as I log into Yahoo, my heart flutters and I linger an extra second before clicking "Sign In". Even if there's nothing but spam in my mailbox, I still feel as though it's been a great email session.

I don't mind sharing the obsession either. Try clicking this link. Maybe she'll grace you with her presence, and you can feel special for the rest of the day. Or maybe you'll get the ugly hippie. Who knows? It's an adventure!

Here's the other picture of her:


Ah, life...

Goodbye Frazz

What's up, Frazz?! You know, I was really feelin' you last week when you said this:


Yeah, I agree. The NBC olympic coverage has irredeemably tainted the wonder which is the olympics -- especially with their obsession over things like figure skating, gymnastics, track, and basketball. I thought maybe we were finally moving into a good solid relationship. You'd say funny things, and I would chuckle to myself over breakfast. Maybe I'd even read you aloud to the missus. I wouldn't do Caulfield in a black voice, though. It'd sound racist, and besides, no one's actually anything other than white in the Frazz universe. But then...then, you went and did this:


Are you cutting Bill Watterson some fat royalty checks, or do you believe this is public domain? The old conversation between a short kid and his lanky friend aboard a doomed toboggan gag, eh? We all know you stole Watterson's character designs, but now you're stealing his content as well? Is this supposed to be an homage? If so, we get it. After all, your entire strip is one. You can stop now.

I've given you fair warning. Now, I fear it is time for us to part ways. You go on and keep plagiarizing, and I'll find someone to replace you. Don't feel too bad about this -- you're not the only one I'm kicking to the curb:


What the hell is this shit?

I love the olympics more than I should

Did anyone else see the Swedish women take the gold in curling today? Did you see the clutch, last-stone shot that snagged victory in overtime? Can you explain to me what the hell was going on? And why was I able to watch the entire match when I had no idea what the rules were? Why am I now thinking of moving to Canada to try curling out for myself?

On a side note, had my parents stayed in Korea, I'm pretty sure I'd have won the gold as a short-track speed skater.

Yet another side note: viewer ratings would skyrocket if they switched the skiing in the biathlon from cross-country to ski jumping.

Happy Big One to the Big One

Yeah, 30. Damn. Anyway, happy happy.

I'd totally sell you out for a steak

Today, as I was sitting down to my breakfast cereal, I picked up my cold, gleaming spoon, and thought, "Aw, what the hell... There is no spoon". Immediately, the damn thing started twisting and folding itself like a possessed eel. I dropped it and sat back, astounded by what just happened. Then, realizing my cereal was getting soggy, I got a new spoon and finished the bowl. I ate another one to give myself more time to think. However, instead of doing any productive thinking, I bent some more spoons, upset some recipe books, and levitated the vacuum cleaner that I forgot to put away last night. I was going to try imagining away the garbage and recycling, but I had to get to work.

Once I got outside, I thought about flying to work at supersonic speeds, but I kept picturing myself faceplanting into the asphalt around a whole bunch of students. If I couldn't keep my train of thought while on the ground, I sure as hell wasn't going to try it forty feet in the air! So, instead I just tried jumping over several squares of sidewalk as I walked to my car. I'm pretty sure I was jumping a lot further than I used to be able to, but it's hard to tell. On my last jump, I screwed up the landing and skinned my knee. It stung really badly, and I tried to wish it away, but I kept imagining how much worse it could have been. My scrape split open and blood began really seeping into my jeans. I stopped trying, limped back to my apartment, and put on a band-aid with Neosporin.

I got to work late because of the accident and having to change pants, so I had to sneak into my office through the back way. I haven't tried doing any more mind-tricks; my knee seems to throb extra hard each time I even get tempted to make my pencils sharpen themselves. Instead, I've spent the last half-hour thinking about all the consequences of my new-found powers. Sure, it's great that I can do all this cool stuff, but I don't think I like the idea of being the chosen one and all that. I mean, it's not even like I'd have a cool sounding name like "Neo". If people started referring to me by my usual alias, "starwars_fan1_1980", I think it might spoil the effect.

Also, this might be lame, but I REALLY don't want to wake up naked, covered in some gooey crap and have to pull that huge plug thing out of my head. Shudder. Yeah, it sucks if that's what's really happening to my body, but I'd rather not know about it. Know what I mean? Like if you thought you might have a disease, but you don't want to go to the doctor, because then they'd do tests, and then you might find out you really did have the disease, and sometimes it's better not knowing...

This might all be moot anyway. No one's tried contacting me yet. I've checked all my email accounts several times, and there isn't a single message about meeting up or anything. I even checked the spam to see if there were any hidden codes. Nothing. (Although, now I'm kinda tempted to see if I can use my powers to "increase my manhood". wink wink)

Haaanyway...it's getting to lunch time, and I forgot to grab something from home in all the excitement. My wallet's empty (so's my checking account), so I can't buy anything to eat. I've decided to blog about it and see if that gets things rolling. I'll join up with whichever side offers me the most, just so long as it happens quickly. I'm getting pretty damn hungry, and I may try turning my monitor into a sandwich.

Another WTF

I kinda like this guy.

Link

Well, hell

Things don't look so good for my internship possibilities. All worries of my application being lost in the shuffle, them wanting someone with more experience, and other applications being so much better than mine aside; Shaz sent me this article today about TAL's move to New York.

If they do end up on a 12-month hiatus from radio, then they won't be needing interns, right? Or maybe I could open and file all the angry letters they'll be receiving from miffed Chicagoans.

Damn, I should've mentioned in my application something about helping out once on one of my brother-in-law's shoots. (Forgive his inattentiveness to his blog. It hasn't been updated for a long time due to the horrendous accident. We continue to desperately await face donors.) Then maybe I could've possibly been asked to hold the boom mike while they shoot their episodes. Yeah right, probably need to be in the union for that. Then there's that application.

Guess I'll get to take my surfing classes after all.

State of the Union

(five minutes of cheering as I make my way to the podium)

I'm pretty sore today. I played a lot of volleyball last night, because I've joined a YMCA league. We got housed. All we have to do to get to the playoffs is not be in last place. I don't think we're gonna make the playoffs. Though, I'm pretty sure the majority of my aches came from my first "Beginning Adult Gymnastics" class I had Monday night. Yes, I'm taking gymnastics. I roll around and do somersaults on the squishy padded floor. I'm five years old.

(raucous applause)

Lessee... what else? Oh yeah, I mailed my internship application to This American Life yesterday. I felt pretty good about the application, so I will be crushed when they offer the position to someone else. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I'm stupid like that. Anyway, thanks to Megan and my sister for the countless edits of my questionnaire extraordinaire. If the mood strikes me, I might post what I submitted. It's long though. Oh well... Now, I can finally get back to working on my independent radio pieces.

(standing ovation)

Hmm... I'm pretty tired today. I had to get up early to go into the radio station for my morning show. This isn't normally so bad, but our crazy upstairs neighbor decided to have screaming loud sex again at four in the morning. Who has sex at four in the morning? And why is she trying to smash her way down into our bedroom? Ordinarily, I might enjoy listening in on someone else's performance, but this time I was frightened for my life. Or maybe I was frightened for hers. Guy's like a fucking jackhammer. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG.

(cheers and whistles)

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG.

(wild clapping. tears streaming down the faces of my supporters)

I picked up a King-Sized chocolate-covered PayDay at Walmart today. I love PayDay's and things only get better when they're covered in chocolate, right? Nope. It's fucking naaaasty and not just because it looks exactly like a humongous turd. It does, by the way. Ugghhh.

(things may be getting out of hand -- even my opponents are starting to take off their shirts)

Well, that's pretty much what's going on in my life. If any of you continue to read this blog after today's post, I'll let you know how things go.

Peace! I'm out!

(cue "Hail to the Chief". time to shake some hands)